Three months 7 Feb 06

Almost three months since I've been here, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking. And doing heaps and loving it.

Of course I began this blog to let out all my anger but I don't seem to have that much any more. What I do have, is little sudden spurts of bitterness which really alarm me as I am not usually a bitter person.

A week ago I visited an acquaintance whose husband had died suddenly in an accident. And I was bitter that she had her mother there with her. And I fell into a dreadful hole thinking how my mother had sent me some money but hadn't even considered coming although myself and my children had no family within two thousand miles.

And I guess what was even worse was that she wasn't there for me on the phone either. She was humiliated her son in law had suicided, she didn't want to know about it, didn't want me to talk about anything to do with it.

I couldn't talk to her about our nightmares, about how awful it was to come in from work every day and to visualise his body lying there on the dining room floor right next to the back door.

I knew, of course, that my mother had never wanted a daughter, she only ever wanted a son and that was fair enough, she probably couldn't help her feelings; and I knew that my brother was spoiled while I had barely enough to get by with and I could deal with that fairly well too, but I really would have thought when something so really dreadful happened that she would be there in some way for me.

Another lesson and as a result I have always always been there for my children and their partners and their children.

A really wonderful lesson because they have given so very very much back to me.