Breaks My Heart

It breaks my heart to see my daughter in such pain, if it was physical it would be so much easier to help her. She goes so well for ages and then blackness descends and she is trapped in a spiral of old memories and hurts. I love her very much.

There you go

Start to get going and bam! There is no way I provide any support, either financial or emotional. Lots of f word. Getting very tired of it all really. Just keep battling, year after fucking year. Always alone even when I had a husband I was alone, and I had to provide all the support, never any for me. I am having a whinge because I am so tired of it all. Have been crying which is not normal for me and I told my other self to piss off because her support is useless.

Hysterical that this post can't be saved. Like the one time I rang Lifeline and ended up counselling the counsellor! for an hour!

It's time

To write this blog. I do a lot of thinking in my attic, a good thing I am so high up as we have been flooded three times during the past week. My daughter and her family downstairs are wading in water which makes my guilt increase. Last night her two cats and dog lived up here with my two cats and my bed was full, so full I had to lie crossways to fit in.

Weird year

Yet again I am having a weird year. This time last year, after months of not knowing if I was going to keep my job I was told I had it until June 30 and was so relieved - for exactly two weeks when we were all called in for a very brief interview with the chairperson of the board who told us all we were sacked! and then the strange male beside her offered some people jobs with a new organisation. Had to decide on the spot. I was one of the ?lucky ones.

And so we stayed at work in the same building doing the same things but with a new name. Three weeks later we had yet another name and a 12 month contract which lasted about five months until we were taken over yet again! and given yet another name! And then came numerous physical moves and on March 27, when I only had a week to go to the end of my new six month probation period, I was told my job no longer existed!

And so on March 27 I became an old age pensioner. Completely exhausting especially as I get older.

Not a good year

A long long time since I posted last. A difficult and tiring year but next year will be better. I need to remember all the wonderful things in my life. I need to smile more.

7 March 2011

It is almost twelve months since I last put a post on this blog. Twelve months that have been in many ways totally exhausting, mentally, physically and emotionally. A few days ago I tried a new idea, I visualised a white satin sheet - satin on both sides - and into it I placed many bright boxes, they looked as if they were presents for a birthday - but in fact every one had a different problem in it and then I tied up the sheet and handed it over - not sure who to, a guardian angel perhaps, but anyway I passed it on.

Oddly enough I felt great relief. I have so many problems and they twirl around in my head and with this act my brain felt as if it had been springcleaned. And within 24 hours four of the problems were taken care of.

I haven't opted out, I will continue to deal with things as they arise, but the great weight has gone. I'm not some religious nut who says god will provide, I know I need to work to get money so my animals can be fed, so the mortgage can be paid, but I have tried everything else and nothing else worked.

So dear attic it is so long since I was here I had to carefully move past the hanging curtains of spider webs, very carefully so as not to upset the spiders. That would never do.

Good grief

My idea of time is right out of whack. Fifteen months since I blogged here and I thought I had been on around three or four months ago. Still I have jampacked a lot of things into that time. Did uni for four semesters in a row without a break, twice; plus work; plus night meetings; plus writing. Graduated after four and a half years and quite miss the research so I went mad on my new website and doubled the number of pages. Lots of research involved. I find myself thinking of ideas for new pages just so I can do more research.
However I am back to writing and have achieved a lot.
Went through a very bad period before xmas, but then xmas always affects me badly, but this was a rotten black time which seemed to go on and on. Told a few family members I was very depressed but they didn't take it on board. Anyway. All over Blue Rover.